(no subject)

[stillbourne]

an interesting point I had not considered:

Help me grasp a detailed definition of these:

self-centered
vs.
self-preservation

I'll explain in a few hours, but I need help defining these.
GIVE DETAILS and EXAMPLES of your definitions of these.
Generalities wont help.

thanks.

Comments

[twilightstar.livejournal.com]

Self-centered: Everything is all about you. You don't care about anyone's feelings except your own. Someone tells you about something going on in their own life, and all you can do is think of how it affects you. You lack consideration of how the things you do affect other people. If you feel bad, then you make everyone else feel bad, because it's all about you.

Self-preservation: If you were in a toxic friendship (too much drama, the person is self-centered, inconsiderate, wastes all your time, etc.), and had to get out of it because it was constantly bringing you down, that would be self-preservation. If you were to avoid a situation you know would be harmful to you physically/mentally/emotionally, that would be self-preservation.

Hope that helps a bit, and that it wasn't too general.

[stillbourne.livejournal.com]

where do you draw the lines?

When does the 'this isnt good for *me*' become 'all about me'?

in a way it is.
in a way its not.

how much do you allow another slack due to their human nature?
Likewise, how much slack to you expect others to give you?

I understand it will vary with the persons involved, but ...

[twilightstar.livejournal.com]

If the situation is in any way harmful to you (physically/mentally/emotionally), you have the right to preserve yourself from it. This is not being self-centered, in my book. If you still care about how the other party involved feels, but just can't involve yourself in the situation any longer, this is perfectly okay.

However, when you get to the point where you no longer care about how what you do affects others, that is when you become self centered. It can be a very fuzzy line, really, and a lot of it has to do with perceptions.

If you had a particular situation that was toxic to you, and you feel bad about having to remove it from your life because of others' feelings, you could sit down with that person and explain why you can't be involved in the situation any more (diplomatically, of course), and hope that they would understand. That way, you are still being considerate of their feelings (by at least giving them an explanation of why you are distancing yourself).

Does that make sense?

What first comes to mind...

[leenerella]

The big definition in my head is Self-Centered vs. Selfish. Everyone IS self-centered (or those who aren't have something seriously wrong with them.)

Every person is the hub of a wheel that expands out into infinite directions, and everything revolves around that hub. Hubs connect to other hubs, but no other hubs are as important to the others as their own.

Selfish is not taking responsibilities or consequences into account when acting on behalf of that hub.

Self-preservation includes denying access from another hub for the sake of your own hub in order to maintain the hub's physical and mental well-being. Self-preservation can be done in a responsible, accountable manner, even if it denies another hub what it wants or needs.

[crossbow1.livejournal.com]

I agree with what Jennifish said.

Also, this may not be relevant, but you have to be SOMEWHAT self-centered, because the other alternative is to be centered on someone else, and that's very destructive. So being self-centered is also a kind of self-preservation. Like in the abusive relationship example, if you've totally centered your life on the other person, it will inhibit your self-preservation instincts to leave. The trick is to learn to be self-centered but still, at the same time, pay attention to other people.

[stillbourne.livejournal.com]

If you were to make a scale on the most self centered thing you could do whoat would it e?
how bout the most self-perserving?

I need those kinda explanations cause the generalities are intangible to me right now.

[crossbow1.livejournal.com]

The most self centered thing I've ever heard: One of my friends was in the hospital for 6 months after a car accident, with about 20 broken bones and some brain damage, and the whole time she was in there her mother kept asking the doctors how soon she would die so she could collect the insurance. (True story - I've known this woman 15 years. After she left the hospital she refused to ever see her mother again, and movedin with her grandparents, whom I've met.) So that would be the most self-centered thing I can think of.

The most extreme self-preservation thing I can think of is the story of... oh, what was her name? Mary something. *looks it up* Mary Ingles. 1755, Virginia. This woman and her three kids (Well, 2 kids and she was pregnant) were kidnapped by Shawnee Indians. The accepted her kids into the tribe but she was kept as a slave by two white traders who lived there. Eventually she left by herself, leaving her infant baby with another lactating woman, and walked 1000 back to her home. She had to preserve herself, even if it meant leaving her kids with "savages."
http://www.geocities.com/~landerparker/ingles.html

[savannarama.livejournal.com]

Sometimes the only difference between self-centeredness and self-preservation is lots of Conscious Thought, because sometimes the Actions for both states of being are the same. This is why it can feel self-centered to do something that is actually self-preserving. One might've elected to do the same thing for different reasons.

Of course, one's guilt may be working overtime or being lazy, so it's good to think of those things as well.

Example: I had a college acquaintance...not precisely a friend, but I was in the same social circle and was thrown into proximity with her fairly often. There were aspects of her that were quite fun. ...However. She was always nice to me, but often rude and even cruel to other people--lying, saying vicious things and basically hiding a desire to make people cry in a "I'm a straight shooter" persona. I found this alarming, and frankly I expected that someone like that would eventually turn on me if I allow them to get close enough (because being liked cannot protect you eventually, if someone is damaged enough). I also realized that by considering her a close friend. I would be condoning her modus operandi. So I never got super close to her. I just couldn't watch. And I wanted to protect myself. So we were merely friendly, not precisely friends. I cared about her, but I considered her toxic.

Anyway, she moved to Canada. When she was about to leave the country I said "Perhaps we'll go out for a beer if I'm ever in Vancouver." And she said (rather sadly; patronizingly) that she felt there was a wall between us--that we never went out for beer, just one-on-one, here. I decided not to tell her I had built that "wall" myself--to spec.

And yet I probably would go for that beer, if I were in Vancouver, and I daresay she might even go with me.